How Can We Live Whole-Heartedly?
This is a question that seems to be the difference between living with joy and living with depression and negative self-judgement.
In other words, what is it that separates those who live with full vestment in life and in every relationship they are in as compared to those who struggle with the relationships with others and themselves?
Is it possible to overcome one's fears so that life is engaged in and enjoyed whole-heartedly? If so, what is it that the whole-hearted do that makes all the difference?
In examining those who struggle with the uncertainties of life, more than any other thing, there seems to be a sense of vulnerability they run from. It may be a lack of knowing or fear of failure or fear of rejection but whatever it is, it stands in the way of authentic and complete connection with others.
Sometimes these ones will engage a relationship and then cut it off. Experts have called this the relationship subjugation. Why would any of us take that which enhances our lives and undo it all simply because we fear what it could lead to?
The Answer lies in Vulnerability.
When you think about it, there are some specific things that make you fear vulnerability. This is because the feeling of vulnerability can make one uneasy, perhaps out of complete control and therefore insecure.
So what is the key to letting go of this life-compromising fear? For throughout life, we will feel vulnerable. It is unavoidable. Think about the time you met the one you love. Although you felt completely vulnerable by exposing your heart, they didn't reject you. They didn't make you feel as if you were not worthy.
The reason why it felt so good is because you exposed your true self and were accepted as being enough. Enough for them to love and cherish and engage fully with. I know this feeling and it is like walking on a tightrope, hoping against hope that love will be on the other side. And for me, it was. This was not always the case. In fact, most of us have gone through this processes of vulnerability only to meet rejection or confusion or worse, being led into the even worse state of feeling unworthy... not enough for that person.
And this makes us feel as if there is something intrinsically wrong with us. As if we are unlovable and unacceptable and therefore, they saw what we ourselves did not. They saw that we are unworthy and not enough. And there is no better place to be emotionally to set us up to be vulnerable. It hurts deeply.
So we seek to never be that vulnerable again. The hurt of this kind of rejection makes us feel shame that we dared try to enter a relationship with that person - to even think that we were at their level. And the knee-jerk reaction to this pain is always the same:
We seek to numb it. We shy away from initiating an authentic relationship. We spend our time waiting for the miracle of miracle to happen. We wait for someone else to hap along and see us as their choice. To initiate another relationship is just too much vulnerability.
And so we wait.
As time goes by, we feel that our unworthiness is reinforced. And, as if some cosmic mistake has been made, someone takes an interest in us. They seem to be foolish enough to not see the flawed person we feel we really are and they seek a relationship with us.
We try to warn them with tears. We try to tell them to go away as they just don't understand. We don't want them to waste their lives on us.
Living as Worthy
This is not as uncommon as one might think. The fact is, entire societies fall into a cycle of trying to hide their vulnerability. Instead of facing relationships and fully engaging in them, they see to numb them through routines and doing the usual things. Why? Because the routine does not require us to be anyone specific and once accepted, can be a numbing agent all its own.
"We go to the bar on Friday and Saturday nights. Bowling on Tuesday. TV the rest of the week. Pizza is delivered to the house twice a week". And the cycle feeds itself. The more we engage in the numbing, the less vulnerable we feel. What we don't understand is that numbing does not have a real target.
The fact is, if we numb ourselves and our relationships, everything gets numbed. We numb all emotions, including the key ones that can sustain an authentic relationship with others and ourselves. It might be an obsession with sports on the television, following statistics in the newspaper, even the mindless watching of television every night.
And we get upset if our routine of numbing is disturbed by our having to go somewhere and meet some people or even just to be with people instead of our easy chair. We demand that a two or three-day warning must be issued. We gripe and complain all the way to the event and once there, demand as little involvement as possible. We even feign sickness as a reason to leave early - all to return to our numbing routine at home where no one can challenge us to "un-numb" us.
And we lose our ability to experience true gratitude. Happiness eludes us because we are alone and that feeling of being alone only feeds resentment and a commitment to not be bothered by anything or anyone.
How to Break the Cycle of Numbing
So what is the key to avoid being like so many people we know who are unhappy in their lives, their marriages and even in their own skin?
EMBRACE VULNERABILITY
What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Did you know that? Think about all of those unique personalities in your entire life. Think about the ones that made you feel the best. Without exception, they were all vulnerable and seemed to embrace the emotional dangers it entailed.
They walked that tightrope and seemed to love it. In fact, they danced upon its precarious danger. And they engaged us to do the same. Many times we may not have participated but we saw them, watched them and craved to be with their joy and happiness and complete engagement in life and love.
If you were to ask yourself what it would take for you to embrace vulnerability, the first thing would be courage. Courage to face the unknown and in most cases, the unknowable. After all, how could you predict the success with so much at stake? Perhaps you were an abused child and more than anything else, you fear the same treatment from a possible mate.
Courage to try, courage to initiate, courage to be one's authentic self is the key. So, for a moment, let's consider what courage really is.
What is Courage?
The English word, "courage", comes from Middle English denoting the heart as the seat of feelings. This Middle English word comes from the Old French, "corage". This ancient word comes from the most amazing Latin word, "cor". So what does "cor" mean in Latin?
HEART
The Old French took the word for Heart and added the concept of something that might be coined as, "Heart-age", or that which involves much heart. Once could easily see this word conveying in our modern English language as, "Heartiness" or "Full-Heartedness".
And it is thus this concept that drives the real secret o living authentically and to be engaged with our hearts.
What It Reveals
This reveals the flip-side of whole-hearted living. It reveals a lack of "cor" or heart and ultimately, courage. To live in fear is what can eliminate our potential faster and with more efficiency than any other thing that might invade our lives.
Thank about it. Is it possible to have one's body ravaged with disease? Of course. The question is, does this mean that it will, as an automatic of course, remove courage or joy or happiness or connection in our lives?
The answer is no. We all know of brave souls who endure sheer hell and never lose their authenticity or courage, which we now know to mean, 'whole-heartedness'.
What Does It Take?
As courage can release us from the fear of vulnerability, we must first start with that which the heart produces: Passion. Specifically, compassion. Although the Latin here is based on suffering, it is the shared suffering that is the key. And for those who are fighting to be whole-hearted and without fear, suffering with is required.
Bringing this concept into our modern language means a heartfelt empathy we call compassion. It is our whole-heartedness directed toward another. This compassion compels us to be kind to all others. And yet, it begins first with being compassionate toward ourselves.
It was attributed to Jesus in the Bible that said the following:
"Love your neighbor as yourself." - Mark 12:31 NIV
As powerful as the injunction here is that we should love our neighbors and as hopeful as it is to do so, there is an implicit directive here that should not be overlooked.
Our love for our neighbors is that which is like something else. Something else, in fact, that precedes this love. It is the love we must have for ourselves.
Self-love is almost an antithetical concept to neighbor love. Self-love seems to imply selfishness and self-obsession. The truth is, self-love is not this at all.
In fact, the self-love intimated here is not even close to the concept of selfishness. However, the self-love that is required to exist before one can love one's neighbor is as powerful a concept as neighbor love.
Self-love is the genuine heartfelt caring for oneself and this springs from nothing less than appreciation for that which we are; ourselves. It implies a uniqueness insofar as I am not you and you are not me. Further, it also is suggested by mere fact that it is implied in this command that it is necessary, needed and healthy.
So how is self-love healthy? As it is the expressing of a cherishing and valuing of oneself. So we clearly are worthy of being loved. We must be valuable just by being the person we are. Not as a function of someone else's validation or guidance or even parenting. It is the idea that we are worthy of being loved just for being ourselves.
If you subscribe to Christianity or even Creation, then you also realize that your creation is explicit evidence that each of us are loved by our Creator. As such, we are lovable. And if we are to love others, we must appreciate the fact that we are worthy.
LETTING GO
So when we consider how we got to the place where we think that we are unworthy of being loved or living authentically or engaging in loving relationships, we need to re-engage our courage to do something we may have avoided at all costs:
EMBRACE VULNERABILITY
What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Why? Living as an authentic person means living fully and this means not numbing those parts of us that make us who we could be.
This means that we must let go of who we think we should be so others can find us more appealing and decrease the chances of rejection.
This means that we must connect with others as a result of our authentic selves rather than as the result of our pretense.
This means that we must be willing to say, "I love you", first and not wait until someone happens along and says it to us first.
This means we must be willing to do things when there are no guarantees.
This means we must be willing to embrace circumstances where we don't get to know every possible thing that may happen.
This means we must invest in relationships whether they will work out or not.
This means we must let go of the fear that has constricted who we really are and our fullest expression of ourselves.
This means we must abandon the fear of shame if it all fails.
This means we must "go for it" with our whole-heart, come what may.
And then the amazing miracle will happen:
It will be the start in our life of belonging, expression, joy, more love and creativity. It will be the transformation from fear into the kind of person we have admired all of our lives. It means that we will be us!
No More Blame
As we enter the full- and whole-hearted life, we will no longer blame others for our unhappiness or failures or feelings of unworthiness. For in a very large way, there will be no unhappiness or failure or unworthiness. We will be he authentic and wholly wonderful and lovely persons we were meant to be.
No More Perfection
As we become our authentic selves, we will not try to fit ourselves into some contrived version of perfection. We will be just as imperfect as our love is perfect. We will accept our flawed approaches, our imperfect strategies and in the end, find joy in the person we are and the person we are growing into.
After all, from childhood onward, we have been "wired" for struggle and growth. We have been prepared for an onslaught of effort, failure, retrying and finally, a series of successes behind us. And it is this process that will make us more engaged, more alive, more hearty and more in love with all that life presents to us.
No more do we have to pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on others. We don't have to pretend that our struggle is unlike anyone else's and therefore cannot be understood, assuaged or even understood.
Instead, we can see our struggle in the most compassionate manner as one most alike in our fellows around us and those close to us. Instead of feeling isolated, we will see our lives as a shared experience and loneliness will not be our final and most trustworthy companion.
We must let ourselves be deeply vulnerable and "out there", seen by others who just might be cocked and ready to judge us in the most negative of ways. For to live is to be seen and to be faced and to be valued by others. And yet, it is not by their value that we have value and are worthy.
Far from it. In fact, it is by virtue of our full and complete engagement with the Universe that we find true and lasting value.
ENGAGE YOUR HEART
Love with your whole heart knowing full well that there are no guarantees. Know that loss and pain are almost always guaranteed but that love is to life what life is to this moment - the only way. For it is this moment that we all live in, and the next. And the more moments we fill with our full-heart and whole life, the more moments we can live with joy.
Practice gratitude for those with whom we share this time and space with knowing that this full and worthy and whole life is a gift that yields incredible and immeasurable rewards in the now and the nows to come.
Believe that you are enough and you will find a more peaceful you who listens more and yells less. You will be far more gentle, engaged and alive.
For to be vulnerable means you are alive!
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I would like to thank Brene Brown and her research and then sharing of her findings on TED. To see her presentation, link to: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
